The Beginning of the End

I guess that you could say that today is he beginning of adulthood. I’m absolutely terrified. Today, I lost my security blanket. Just thinking about it is bringing me close to tears. I’m afraid to admit, even to you people out there in cyberspace, that this afternoon I’ve waltzed around the house singing at the top of my lungs. Of course, I was singing to hold back the tears. Distraction, and something else to think about for once. When I cooked dinner, I nearly slipped. I sang louder. I was okay.

Perhaps it’s more than just today, and it is more of an acumulation of things that has made me so upset. I’ve been starting to ‘think’ for a few weeks, and the pulling away of my warm and fluffy blanket this morning has sent my brain into spiral mode, thinking and thinking and thinking.

It would be a lie to say that some of that is not happy thinking. I remember some things and I smile, like getting drunk with a teacher and how amazing my design teacher was when I did my GCSEs. Things like getting my grade seven flute and a design student of the year award are awesome. Equally though, I hate this time of year. Summer, when you’ve been in school for 14 years, is a time of endings. It’s a time of moving on, growing up, and as of last year, it’s a time of horrible memories. But I don’t want to talk about leavers. I should, but that’s irrelevant.

I’m not leaving this year though, I left school last year, and not much will change when I go back to university to start second year. But the staff members who provided security to me  in my last few years of school and especially this time last year are going. Although we may say we go back to school for flute lessons and DofE, we know that we go back for safety, in reality. We go back to see familiar faces and to ground ourselves in knowing that however stupid adults are, there’s some who care, and when we were in school, there was someone to look after us, and if we ever really needed it, they’d be there again. But those people are leaving or have gone. As of September, we will have no reason to go back to school. We are loosing our safety blanket, and our school era is well and truly ending.

I feel horrific. I don’t want to grow up. All my life adults have let me download, pressured me, never understood me, and placed unrealistic expectations on my shoulders. I don’t want to be an adult, and I am terrified of not having those few who do care to keep me safe. People don’t want out for you when you grow your, only those cloest friends, and theh may be hundreds of miles away. Adults go it alone, and thinking about school and growing up is hurting inside.

It’s the beginning of the end. The beginning of getting old and growing up. As a kid, I used to cry on my birthday for fear of getting old and dying. That fear has never felt as real as it does now.

I’m losing the adults who care, and I’m terrified of loosing my best friend. I’m worried about her, and I wish she knew how much I care about her. I’d never tell her this, but there’s times when I hug her and I squeeze extra tight in the hope she’ll realise just how much she means to me and that I’m always here to fight by her side. She wont know, ahe probably thinks I’m clingy. Sometimes it may be because I need her to hold me tighter and to make me feel safe, but often, I’m just trying to show how much I care. Words were never my forte.

I don’t want to grow up. It doesn’t work like it does in fairytales. It’s just not that simple, and I’m not ready to face the real world yet. And I’ll never ever be able to face it alone.

I hope that forever I can keep my best friend, and we can be young together. We can be the adults for each other, taking it in turns to be care giver and taker, like we have been so often when the adults in our lives have failed us. Sometimes, we’ve cried together, but we made it. I hope that the beginning of the end, and really being an adult won’t be too scary. I left school a year ago, I turned eighteen ages ago. I should be fine. But I’ve learnt thay life is never that simple. There’s always a mountain to climb. Now it feels like I’m leaving, and it’s like last year all over again.

I need to talk. I really really need to talk. I need to take time to think and accept. I need to understand everything, not just leaving school and these teachers leaving. There’s lots of things happening to and around me right now that I need to contemplate. 
I hope it’ll be fine. I hope she’ll be okay. I hope I have chosen the right path and am doing the right thing. I hope I can smile and have fun. And if I can continue to hope, it will be fine, because without hope, we are dead.

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The World Is Busy

I’m hot and it’s dark. It’s getting late and I need to sleep. But I’m stressed and I’m struggling. I need a friend, but there’s nobody there. I’ve been forgotten and it’s breaking my heart.

I’ve not had a panic attack for months. I cannot remember the last time I cried myself to sleep. I’ve been coping amazingly.

But tonight, I’m not. I tried to reach out, for someone to talk to. I realised that I have nobody. It’s gotten me into a mess. Today has been tricky. I’m stressed and unmotivated, and this evening I’m disappointed in myself. I need a friend. I need someone to be here for me, to care about me, someone to be positive for me, to tell me that it’ll all be okay. I need someone to believe in me. Because today, I cannot believe in myself. For me, that’s something that I haven’t asked for for a while. I need someone to love me. But there’s nobody there.

It’s strange how there’s people there to answer the messages they want to, or to be free when they need to, but not to be there when you’re screaming their name. There’s not many people I trust in this world. I don’t have many friends. Tonight, I need ones that I have. But I can’t find them, I can’t find any of them. I can’t find her.

I don’t want to cry myself to sleep tonight. But I can’t stop myself, because I need to talk. I have things I need to say. I need to let go. It won’t take long, it’s not serious. It’s silly, it’s exams. It’s ten minutes.

People can’t find ten minutes. The world is busy and the pace is fast. For me, time is slow. I need someone to talk to. But I’m alone. So the tears will fall, but I must sleep.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I hope that friendship and love can be found. It’s ten minutes. It’s a few simple words. It’s a text message.

But the world is busy.

I have no words left.

So, I want to blog.
But I don’t.
But I can’t make the decision.
It’s so tricky.
I actually have positive and happy things to say.
Committing things to paper helps me to empty my mind.
But I just can’t do it.
My head is spinning but the words just won’t come out, good nor bad.
I need a hug.
I need to sleep.
I need some help. I need to remember how to write again.
I need words.
Because this isn’t me.

I can do this!

Today, one of my uni friends said to me ‘Yeah, but you’re social, and she’s not’. What she didn’t realise, and you probably don’t realise is that one sentence was enough to make me feel on top of the world for a few minutes. For a girl like me, to be told that I’m social is almost life changing.

I’ve always struggled to fit in. I’ve never quite been able to socialise with my peers properly. Until I get to know you extremely well, I have to concentrate on what to say and when is appropriate to speak. Even little things like making phone calls terrify me. I struggle to fit in, and I’ve never really had many friends. I was pushed around and bullied by all sorts of people as a kid, both adults and other kids, so forming relationships has just never been easy.

Since Christmas, when it was decided for certain who I’d share a house with next year, I’ve known that I have to make the effort. I’ve spent a lot of time with my new friends, sometimes to the determent of my own health and happiness. I’m one of those people who needs alone time to refocus, and I’m also someone who needs a lot of sleep. Both of those things have been left to slide, and compared to last semester, my work has a little, too.

But I think I can get there. Because finally, I feel like I fit in. Of course, Guiding will probably be the only place I ever truly feel accepted, but my friends actually like me. Or at least I think they do. They wouldn’t tell me I was social if they didn’t, would they? And you know, that makes me over the moon. Because of course, I won’t completely reject my new found friends, but it does mean that I can take a little of my own time back to be me and to work even harder. I don’t have to concentrate so much on friendship, and that’s a huge relief.

And you know what? Of all of them, there’s one girl I really like. While we’re not there yet, and it will never ever be to the same extent, it would be amazing if, and I hope that one day I will be able to trust that girl even a quarter as much as I trust my best friend. It would be nice to know that it’s safe, that there’s someone else out there who won’t let me down.

I need something

All week, I’ve been trying to reach out to my best friend. I’ve been trying, because right now I’m going through probably the second most horrific thing that’s ever happened to me. And she’s the only one who knows. I’m trying to get support, and my god am I prepared to work around her, but she just doesn’t have any time any more to listen. None at all. I’ll admit, that this week she’s been in A&E a couple of times with stupid drunken cuts. But she’s promised me at least five skype dates in the last week, and not one has happened, really. I haven’t been able to talk to her, and it’s destroying me.

Okay, sure, she says she has to work for her exams, and that’s okay. I’ve fucked up enough before for her, and I won’t allow myself to fuck up her chances at uni. If she’s genuinely behind and struggling and slaving away for hours each day, then fair enough, I’ll cope, but the more time passes, the more and more I doubt her. She’s not doing that. She’s blown me off for nights out, and spontaneously hanging out with friends. Again, that’s okay, but just stop making promises that you never really intended to keep. Today, she told me she wasn’t leaving her room at all she had so much work to do, but then I find that she’s gone to watch a hockey game. It’s just lies, every time. And I’m dumped, five minutes into our chat, and usually in tears. Every time.

I’m not playing this up. It makes me feel sick, and it’s really really horrible news that I’ve had. But even feeling like this, I still don’t expect to be put above everything. I certainly never expect to be put above university work, and even prior commitments. I don’t expect to be put above every friend and every single time, and I don’t expect to hear from her every day. I don’t expect her to drop everything and come running, but just to occasionally say ‘hey, I’ll listen to you for an hour today. We can laugh, and I’ll give you some decent advice too’, or even just to send me a five minute scrawled letter when she can’t sleep. At least I’d know she actually cared. She always says she does, but she’s really not showing it to me right now, and I really don’t believe that’s just because of exams.

I need something. I need you. I need you to laugh, and I need you to listen to me. I know I can’t always have what I want, and I’m prepared to accept that. Maybe I appear selfish, but I’m not trying to be. I simply want to know where I stand. Honesty is all I need, really. I can do without the rest if I have to. I can do without skype dates, so long as you can be completely honest. Always and forever.

To be honest, it feels a little bit like she just got the facts, did her nosying, and now she can go back to the fun stuff. It doesn’t matter how many times she drops me and let’s me down, because she knows I’ll always come running back soon enough. She doesn’t have to worry about how I feel, because I’ll be there when she needs me, regardless of what happens before that. It doesn’t matter that I really need her right now, because she’s only worried about herself and her new friends. Not me, and more importantly and worryingly, not uni work, either. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and I’m seeing only the narrow path, but that’s how it feels.

And it’s breaking my heart. Slowly but surely, it’ll ruin me.

Success

I’m often told that I need a positive mindset and to look up to the future. It’s something that I’ve always struggled with, but as I climbed into bed tonight, after a long day battling with uni work, I remembered all the people that have said it to me over the past few years. I remember when my flute teacher told me that I was clever, I remember when my biology teacher made me list off all my extra curricular achievements, and I remember each and every time that my best friend has told me that she believes in me.

Because it doesn’t matter how low I’m feeling right now, I’ve got to remind myself that I can succeed.

I earned my Baden Powell Award.

I was flag bearer at our city remembrance parade.

I got A*AA at A Level.

I got into my first choice uni.

I got my Chief Guide Challenge Award.

I was asked to take on a very special role at our local jamboree.

I got my Leadership Award.

And my STEM award.

I ran a kids science club for four years.

I’m a Rainbow leader.

And a Guide leader.

I completed my Gold DofE Qualifying Expedition.

And the biggest success, and personal milestone for me: I got a merit on my grade seven flute. That was the proudest day of my life. That was something that I was convinced that I couldn’t do, and that I hadn’t done. But look, I went and smashed it!

I can do this. I’ve achieved so much, especially over the past few years. I can hack uni, and I have to hack uni. I’ve just not worked out exactly how to do that yet, it’s just so different to anything else! But it will come, with time. Because practice makes perfect.

Loosing Hope

Please someone come and hold me tight, and make the pain go away. The pain is spreading through my body, and unless someone comes and helps to hold the happiness in, I fear that I might loose it completely. Help me, please.

I’ve been staring at the ceiling for hours and hours and hours. It’s white. Empty. Bare. It’s the only thing that seems to provide just a little stability in my crazy head. Tears have been slipping down my face; my pillow, bed sheets, and jumper are now soaked.

But I’m slipping, slipping, slipping, the hope is going, going, going, and soon, I fear I will be lost. Yesterday, was fabulous. Today, the mountain that university is going to be just seems too big to climb.

I’m lost. All I want is to go back to school, and to a place where I had a support mechanism. My A Levels were difficult, but I had friends, teachers, and people who cared. Here, I’m alone. There’s nobody for company except my own mind to go around and around in endless circles. I want my biology teacher, I want my old design teacher, I want my chemistry teacher, I want my flute teacher. I want the familiarity of my Wednesday night Rainbows, and the monotony of the same timetable week upon week. I want people that I can turn to for a helping hand.

But that’s gone now, and it’s never ever coming back. I’m not prepared to accept that. I’m not prepared to accept that I’ve lost it, and that fear is pushing the happiness out, and letting the darkness in. I’m not prepared to accept that I won’t see my friends for months, and that I will potentially never set foot in my school again. Those places, and most of all, those people kept me sane. Those were the people that provided hope when times were tough, and who encouraged me to keep holding on. The people who I’ve lost are what have kept me alive, and now, there is nothing.

I’d give anything to not be here right now. I’m hiding, alone in my room. I don’t want to come out, I can’t let people see me. My wall must not ever be broken, and they must not know. But what am I hiding from? The fear will not subside, the darkness will not lift. The past isn’t going to come back, and I can’t cope with that right now. I’m tired. In fact, I’m exhausted. I’ve been studying for four days and I’m exhausted. The work load is huge, the need to understand is huge, and there’s so many things to concentrate on. Already, I’m overwhelmed. I’m not sure how I’ll survive this year. Somehow, I must. I must strive for my dreams, but the change of environment and the threat of the workload is simply too much for me right now. I simply do not know where to begin. I see no way to break the panic into steps, and so it’s grabbing me, holding me, and strangling me. Soon, the impending panic attack will hit.

Lying here, I’m wasting valuable time. I can’t afford to waste time. Stopping was always a bad idea, it’s stopping that encourages this ridiculous behaviour. Breaks are bad for the mind. Perhaps if I think and hope hard enough, someone will come and keep the happiness inside. Perhaps someone will help me to stop the tears. I know that right now I can’t believe it, but I also know that my best friend would tell me that ‘things will get better, it’s just not the end yet.’

Living. Laughing. Loving.

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