The World Is Busy

I’m hot and it’s dark. It’s getting late and I need to sleep. But I’m stressed and I’m struggling. I need a friend, but there’s nobody there. I’ve been forgotten and it’s breaking my heart.

I’ve not had a panic attack for months. I cannot remember the last time I cried myself to sleep. I’ve been coping amazingly.

But tonight, I’m not. I tried to reach out, for someone to talk to. I realised that I have nobody. It’s gotten me into a mess. Today has been tricky. I’m stressed and unmotivated, and this evening I’m disappointed in myself. I need a friend. I need someone to be here for me, to care about me, someone to be positive for me, to tell me that it’ll all be okay. I need someone to believe in me. Because today, I cannot believe in myself. For me, that’s something that I haven’t asked for for a while. I need someone to love me. But there’s nobody there.

It’s strange how there’s people there to answer the messages they want to, or to be free when they need to, but not to be there when you’re screaming their name. There’s not many people I trust in this world. I don’t have many friends. Tonight, I need ones that I have. But I can’t find them, I can’t find any of them. I can’t find her.

I don’t want to cry myself to sleep tonight. But I can’t stop myself, because I need to talk. I have things I need to say. I need to let go. It won’t take long, it’s not serious. It’s silly, it’s exams. It’s ten minutes.

People can’t find ten minutes. The world is busy and the pace is fast. For me, time is slow. I need someone to talk to. But I’m alone. So the tears will fall, but I must sleep.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I hope that friendship and love can be found. It’s ten minutes. It’s a few simple words. It’s a text message.

But the world is busy.

Where’s the love and friendship?

No matter how hard I try, I can’t find another person who blogs about their friend’s eating disorder, or mental health. I can scroll through page after page of google, or search a hundred different potential tags on wordpress, yet I find nobody. There’s hundreds of people who blog about their own issues, but nobody seems to write about their friends. Perhaps they don’t need to, perhaps normal people cope just fine. Perhaps they don’t feel like they should get too involved, perhaps they fear that someone will see it, perhaps they have another way to deal with their emotions. Or maybe they just hide, deep in the blogosphere. I wish I could find someone though. I think it would make things easier for me, to read about someone else who struggles just as I do.

If you’re out there, and you’re hiding, please come and find me. Come and see hi. Sometimes, this can feel like a very very lonely world. We may not be the ones ‘suffering’, but often, it can hurt just as much.

I need something

All week, I’ve been trying to reach out to my best friend. I’ve been trying, because right now I’m going through probably the second most horrific thing that’s ever happened to me. And she’s the only one who knows. I’m trying to get support, and my god am I prepared to work around her, but she just doesn’t have any time any more to listen. None at all. I’ll admit, that this week she’s been in A&E a couple of times with stupid drunken cuts. But she’s promised me at least five skype dates in the last week, and not one has happened, really. I haven’t been able to talk to her, and it’s destroying me.

Okay, sure, she says she has to work for her exams, and that’s okay. I’ve fucked up enough before for her, and I won’t allow myself to fuck up her chances at uni. If she’s genuinely behind and struggling and slaving away for hours each day, then fair enough, I’ll cope, but the more time passes, the more and more I doubt her. She’s not doing that. She’s blown me off for nights out, and spontaneously hanging out with friends. Again, that’s okay, but just stop making promises that you never really intended to keep. Today, she told me she wasn’t leaving her room at all she had so much work to do, but then I find that she’s gone to watch a hockey game. It’s just lies, every time. And I’m dumped, five minutes into our chat, and usually in tears. Every time.

I’m not playing this up. It makes me feel sick, and it’s really really horrible news that I’ve had. But even feeling like this, I still don’t expect to be put above everything. I certainly never expect to be put above university work, and even prior commitments. I don’t expect to be put above every friend and every single time, and I don’t expect to hear from her every day. I don’t expect her to drop everything and come running, but just to occasionally say ‘hey, I’ll listen to you for an hour today. We can laugh, and I’ll give you some decent advice too’, or even just to send me a five minute scrawled letter when she can’t sleep. At least I’d know she actually cared. She always says she does, but she’s really not showing it to me right now, and I really don’t believe that’s just because of exams.

I need something. I need you. I need you to laugh, and I need you to listen to me. I know I can’t always have what I want, and I’m prepared to accept that. Maybe I appear selfish, but I’m not trying to be. I simply want to know where I stand. Honesty is all I need, really. I can do without the rest if I have to. I can do without skype dates, so long as you can be completely honest. Always and forever.

To be honest, it feels a little bit like she just got the facts, did her nosying, and now she can go back to the fun stuff. It doesn’t matter how many times she drops me and let’s me down, because she knows I’ll always come running back soon enough. She doesn’t have to worry about how I feel, because I’ll be there when she needs me, regardless of what happens before that. It doesn’t matter that I really need her right now, because she’s only worried about herself and her new friends. Not me, and more importantly and worryingly, not uni work, either. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and I’m seeing only the narrow path, but that’s how it feels.

And it’s breaking my heart. Slowly but surely, it’ll ruin me.