Ache

Hey, you! Best friend! I love you, stupid!

Don’t forget that okay?! You mean lots to me and I miss you every single day. Last year, I used to get upset. I was afraid, I guess, that something would happen and you wouldn’t be there any more. Of course, that wasn’t true. You’re always here to stand beside me and to giggle with the morning after a night out (yep, that’s got to be the best bit!).

This year has been different. I’ve been a lot more confident, in everything. I think that a lot of that has stemmed from the confidence in our friendship. I know you’re here, and that’s it. I know that when I see you again nothing will change, we will laugh, I will cry, we will worry, we’ll dance, and everyone will ask if we are a couple (lols, just no!). When I said goodbye to you this weekend, I knew it probably wouldn’t be six months until I saw you again. Of course I was sad, but not sad enough to hurt me. We hugged, we promised to Skype, and I skipped off.

Now though, I’m absolutely aching for you. I feel as though I miss you with every bone in my body, and that’s something that I haven’t felt so far in second year. It’s a little like last year, but there’s something that I can’t quite pinpoint that isn’t the same. I’m not hurting. I know you’ll be back, and I know when I inebetably need you on results day you’ll be there (hell, my next step is to call you ‘just for a chat’ – I’d love to be spontaneously confident enough to do that, and I’d love it even more the day you called me out of nowhere!). It’s not helping though, it’s not making the aching feeling in my chest go away. It’s like I’ve realised all over again exactly how much you mean to me and I just want to share that with you. I don’t want you to be hundreds of miles away, because I’m coming down from our amazing weekend and reality and a lack of laughter is slowly hitting me, and it’s hitting me hard! I’m not hurting, and I’m definitely not afraid. I’m simply aching.

Perhaps I’m finally learning the true definition of ‘I miss you’. What do you think?

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Miss You Already

Have you ever had this thing where someone doesn’t realise how much they mean to you? Where they’re simply obvious to the impact they’ve had on your life? They just don’t get it, and you feel a bit silly really for feeling the way that you do, but equally, there’s nothing you can do to change that feeling.

Tonight, as a I said goodbye to a girl who I may never see again, this happened. I was trying to pull my ‘I’m perfectly fine’ face, but it must have been pretty obvious that I was fighting back tears. She held me super tight and said goodbye three or four times. But she asked if I was okay. She asked if there was something I needed to say, or something that was bothering me that I wanted to tell her about. I shook my head. What could I do? I couldn’t stand there and say ‘Yes, it’s you. I don’t want to you to go, I’ve no idea how I’m going to manage second year without you. Who will leave me giggling for hours and text me before each and every exam to say good luck?’ I think she was worried about me. She genuinely thought there was something wrong. I just didn’t want to say goodbye. I watched her walk away and as soon as she was out of sight the tears began to slide down my cheeks.

She’s had a massive impact on me in the short time that we’ve been friends. She makes me laugh and smile and it’s fun to be with someone who hasn’t figured out all my little quirks yet and so treats me at face value. It’s fun to have someone to have fun with, and it’s amazing to spend time with someone who loves Guiding just as much as me, and thus is rather similar to me.

I think I may have said before that it was time to say goodbye to someone. Today was that day. We had a mutual event this morning and this afternoon we headed to her house at about 3pm with no real plans but to have fun. We made fudge, watched a movie, walked through the coolest tunnels I’ve ever seen (lights and classical music!), found a geocache and wrote our names together in the book, took the obligatory selfie, and walked into town to eat fish and chips on a bench. It may not have been the meal or night out that we had originally talked about, but it was cool. We talked non stop and had a chance to have fun and most importantly, gossip.

She’s awesome. Anyone who claims that growing up isn’t a requirement of life at all, not even eighteenth birthdays, 21st birthdays, or graduations, is worth sticking around. She’s made me smile so much this year, and my heart is breaking to watch her go. Next year won’t be the same. She won’t be here. The friendship may not have been long, but it has been amazing.

Goodbyes are horrible. This goodbye hurt. In fact, this goodbye hurt nearly as much as the goodbye I said to my best friend last summer. It’s not often you find a good person. It’s not often you find someone who really cares. I may never see her again, and that’s tearing my heart apart. In two years, she may not even remember my name. But I’ll remember hers. She may not realise, but she’s made the last few months so much easier.

I need a hug. The halls are empty, the silence is deafening, and it feels like the tears might fall again.

Goodbye, and thank you. One day, I hope I can be like you. You’re amazing, and I really truly mean that. I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell you how good you’ve made me feel recently. But I’m not brave enough, and so the goodbye was simple. It’s done, you’re gone, I miss you already.

What shouldn’t I be doing right now?

The simple answer to that question is blogging. So what am I doing? Blogging, of course!

It’s just gone midnight, I’ve just climbed into bed and there’s tears rolling down my cheeks that I just can’t control. Why? I just spent a solid twelve hours working on a lab report, only stopping for salad, toast, chocolate, biscuits and some carrots. It’s still not finished, and I don’t really have any time left to get it finished, either.

Perhaps university is too much for me. Maybe I just can’t hack it. Every single teacher who I trusted and adored told me that uni would be so much easier than A Level’s, but it’s really not. I just look at everything I have due in the next four weeks and my initial reaction is to worry about when I’m going to revise or file lecture notes. Then I worry about when I’ll eat and sleep. I need my sleep, at least 9 hours a night, or I just can’t function.

And that’s why I’m crying. I’m tired, I’m extremely stressed, and I’m not coping. It’s been a long day, and I’d normally have been in bed two hours ago! I know tomorrow isn’t going to be any better, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I need to expel some frustration, but there’s simply no time to run.

So I’m going round in circles. If I’m not careful, circles will become spirals, and we all know that spirals are dangerous.

But for now, I should sleep. I have to find a way to cope, because if I can’t hack this, I’ll never cure cancer, but I don’t think that 00.30 when I’m already emotional from sleep deprivation is exactly the time to be thinking about coping mechanisms. How about working for the short term and bloody well SLEEPING!?

They’ll be tomorrow. They’ll be a way out. I’ll make it. It’s just another mountain to climb, and I know they’re always absolutely amazing when I get to the top.

Apologies, I’m so sleepy that I’m not even going to proof read. Please bare with me, at least I’m back to blogging!

Exam Panic

I’ve been awake since 5.45am, and I can’t get back to sleep because although it’s silent, I’m still rather livid with my best friends mum. You see, my best friend is coming today, and she was supposed to stay for three nights. Then her mum took a night of that away. I hardly ever get to see this friend, she’s eighteen, and all I asked for was for three days that were planned two months in advance. I can’t stand it. She does this every single time we plan anything, weather is be not allowing her to give blood before uni, and in that denying me my last goodbye, or cutting our coffee down to half an hour at Christmas. And I can’t sleep because although I’m over it and have accepted it, it’s meant that I’ve had to buy a new train ticket, and that’s not fair. And that ticket has cost twice what I originally thought, and so that is money I won’t get back from my parents. Which means now, I’m in debt. That’s not fair, at all.

But either way, it doesn’t matter. What matters is she is coming, but what really matters, is that first, I have an exam to take. And it’s six am. And I can’t sleep. And I’m going out tonight. And I can’t afford to not sleep. Because my exam isn’t until one. And the longer I’m awake, the more time I have to work myself into a state of panic. I think I’m going to have to get up soon, because lying in the dark isn’t healthy for me. Everything in my head just spins.

I can’t take this exam. I’m not mentally prepared, I haven’t revised enough, and I’m not happy. I’m too jumpy, and I need it to be over. I don’t have words, it’s too early. But it needs to go away, because I can’t go on.

It’s one more thing on top of a high and wobbly stack. Sometime, it’s going to fall, and that’s going to be a very very scary day.

I did it!

In a haze of sleep, stomach ache and glitter, I’m feeling rather happy with myself this morning.

Last night, I went out, I didn’t get overly drunk so I didn’t panic, and I enjoyed myself! I even attempted to help someone who was being sick! It was easily the best night of the semester and my first ever ‘proper’ night out. I was about on par with how I felt at my best friend’s eighteenth, and while anything would struggle to top that night, last night was pretty high up the ladder.

I didn’t panic. Wow. I danced. I didn’t cry. I had so much fun, and I’m so damn excited for January after exams are over now! My only disappointment was that the dominoes pizza we waited four hours for never arrived. But on the bright side, I don’t even really feel that bad this morning.

I’ve got a HUGE grin on my face though, and the knowledge that I’m going home tomorrow and I get a one and a half hour coffee with my best friend on Tuesday is honestly amazing. I’m so excited I can’t even put it into words.

I had a disgusting dream last night. I always have the worst ones when I’ve been drinking. Something to do with my best friend, shopping, laxatives, another weight loss item which I cannot remember, and a heck of a lot of tears. I meant a heck of a lot. And shouting and screaming, too. I’ve told myself though, on my own, that it’s not real and it’s not true and I’ll see her in five days and can assess it all for myself.

It’s going to be okay, I just have to keep riding this high!

8am Reflection and Advice

I’m feeling well and truly awful (from the alcohol) this morning, I’m pretty sure my best friend did an all nighter last night, the day before her first uni exam (and so I’m worrying my socks off), and more than anything in the world I want a hug. From anyone. (As per)

But you know, I’m feeling surprisingly happy and confident today. It’s amazing. For no reason at all, it’s as though a big black cloud has been lifted off my shoulders, and that I’m ready to face the day and make it fantastic.

I mean, I don’t fancy getting out of bed, but that’s only because of the effects of the alcohol. I enjoyed myself last night, it was rather a laugh, and I overcame a few hurdles. To anyone else they are actions that they’d think nothing of, but for me, walking up to the bar and ordering a bottle of wine with nobody to back me up was huge, and I’m happy!

I’m feeling rather fuzzy and it’s a beautiful feeling. Friday isn’t far away now, and soon it’ll be Christmas time for us all. So take away that frown, and stick a smile on your face.

If you have exams before Christmas, I say good luck to you. They’ll be okay, and at least you have Christmas off to enjoy yourself! Work hard, breathe, and smile. It’s nearly all over, and you can go home very soon.

Merry Christmas 🙂

Logic, Spirals and a Christmas Party

Sometimes, even I question my brain’s logic. I mean, that shouldn’t be even possible! How can my own brain question a thought that it came up with?! But it does. And that’s the point when you realise that your thought process is messed up.

Tonight, I’m going to a Christmas party. Of course, party means alcohol, and it also means people that I’ve never drunk with before. I haven’t been out in weeks, and so in excited to go, but at the same time, I’m worried because I don’t get drunk. But I want to get drunk. But I don’t really because I’m afraid. So there, that’s dilemma one.

We’ve not decided if we’re going to a club after the meal and disco, which means I can’t decide how much I’m going to drink, which scares me because I don’t feel in control. Dilemma two.

Of course, that therefore means that I’m confused and worried about how I’m going to handle it and what I’m going to do. Dilemma three.

Leavers is on my mind, because this event is going to run in a VERY similar fashion to the way that event should have run. Just thinking about leavers makes me upset. Dilemma four.

The crazy thing is, I know that deep down, because I’m worried, I’m more likely to get myself into a mess and call my best friend. If I went into tonight with a positive attitude and excitement, I’d probably enjoy myself and get through the night no problem. That’s dilemma five then. And I can solve that by being excited, but I can’t be excited because of the first four issues. See, it’s spirals again. A lot of things are spiralling by now, and I know that they’re very very dangerous.

It should be easy though, because I know that this time, I have no choice. Even if I end up crying on the floor in an alleyway at 4am, with all my friends having abandoned me, I can’t call her. She has her first exam tomorrow morning, and I’m not going to be the friend that does that to her.

Alcohol shouldn’t be this scary, but it really really is. I’m sure one day, it’ll be okay, but without my safety net, I’m really tempted to just call ill tonight, and waste the £25 I’ve already paid.

I wanna go home

Don’t get me wrong, I like Uni. I enjoy Uni, I absolutely adore the subject that I’ve chosen, and I’m getting on okay. Of course there’s hurdles, but one by one, I’m jumping over them, and I’d begun to feel like this was home. To be honest, for most of the year, it is home.

With one week until the Christmas holidays begin however, I just don’t want to be here anymore. Hormonal pill-related emotions, plus revision, plus my first uni exams after the holidays, plus all the little hurdles I’m still facing here just means that actually, I don’t want to be here. I want to be back home, ASAP.

I miss my family, and I miss my friends. The christmas concert got me thinking about school, and all the little things that I miss about being a sixth former. I’m struggling to comprehend any coherent thought because everything is just a mess of feeling. I thought writing would help, but clearly, it’s not, I know this will be a confusing, and probably boring mess for you lot, too. I need to revise, and I’ve been getting on really well, but I’m struggling today. I’m fighting back tears, and it’s all getting a little too much.

Please let me go home. Come on Christmas, hurry up! Missing everyone is really hurting now, there’s so much to say and do!

The Things That Make You Strong

I heard a song today that contained some lyrics that hit me, and hard.

‘You could be doing anything you dream of if you believe in the things that make you strong’

It made me realise how much hope and belief I’ve lost over the past few days and weeks.

There’s another song, that has these lyrics:

‘You don’t have to do this on your own’

At one point today, I found myself pausing it with a muttered ‘But I do, I’m sorry but I do have to do this alone.’ It doesn’t matter how much I’d like to talk about how I’m feeling, it’s not an option. I can’t tell anyone because it’s so weak. It’s only uni, and I should be able to hack it. Instead, I’ve spent a lot of today crying, and looking up the procedure for dropping out. Whilst I’ve done huge amounts of work today, it’s not enough, and I’ve never been so far behind on anything in my whole life. It’s terrifying. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to catch up, and a combination of long hours, few breaks, little sleep, no interaction with the outside world, and eating too much sugar has left me in rather a mess.

But I’ve got friends. I’ve got support. My friends make me strong. They may be rather busy, but they’re there. I can do this. People believe in me, I’ve just got to try my very hardest to learn to believe in myself.

Success

I’m often told that I need a positive mindset and to look up to the future. It’s something that I’ve always struggled with, but as I climbed into bed tonight, after a long day battling with uni work, I remembered all the people that have said it to me over the past few years. I remember when my flute teacher told me that I was clever, I remember when my biology teacher made me list off all my extra curricular achievements, and I remember each and every time that my best friend has told me that she believes in me.

Because it doesn’t matter how low I’m feeling right now, I’ve got to remind myself that I can succeed.

I earned my Baden Powell Award.

I was flag bearer at our city remembrance parade.

I got A*AA at A Level.

I got into my first choice uni.

I got my Chief Guide Challenge Award.

I was asked to take on a very special role at our local jamboree.

I got my Leadership Award.

And my STEM award.

I ran a kids science club for four years.

I’m a Rainbow leader.

And a Guide leader.

I completed my Gold DofE Qualifying Expedition.

And the biggest success, and personal milestone for me: I got a merit on my grade seven flute. That was the proudest day of my life. That was something that I was convinced that I couldn’t do, and that I hadn’t done. But look, I went and smashed it!

I can do this. I’ve achieved so much, especially over the past few years. I can hack uni, and I have to hack uni. I’ve just not worked out exactly how to do that yet, it’s just so different to anything else! But it will come, with time. Because practice makes perfect.