I have no words left.

So, I want to blog.
But I don’t.
But I can’t make the decision.
It’s so tricky.
I actually have positive and happy things to say.
Committing things to paper helps me to empty my mind.
But I just can’t do it.
My head is spinning but the words just won’t come out, good nor bad.
I need a hug.
I need to sleep.
I need some help. I need to remember how to write again.
I need words.
Because this isn’t me.

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The Road Is Long

‘On on travelling on
Time is short but the road is long
Joy and song may come my way
But I must stay’

I’m on the train back to university. I’m attempting to fight back tears. I don’t really know why, because I thought that my positive head was screwed on well and tight these days.

In reality, I know exactly why. Somebody around here uses exactly the same perfume or washing powder as my best friend. That would be the best friend that I haven’t seen for seven weeks. The best friend who I’m not going to see for at least another ten.

And it’s strange, to be honest. I don’t mean to sound grim or harsh, but I’m missing her for completely new reasons. Of course, I’ve always missed her for her, but until now, I feel like I’ve missed her support, her shoulder to cry on and her words of advice. I’ve missed her silently positive attitude, and I’ve missed her because I worry about her and her health so much more when she’s hundreds of miles away.

Right now, with my positive head, I’m missing her for a whole new set of reasons. Sure, exams will be hard and not having her by my side can hurt, but it’s not that which I miss. It’s not her support that I crave. I don’t miss the support network too much, because I’m slowly building my own coping mechanisms so we can both live our lives. I’ll always be there for her, and I’m sure she’ll be here for me, but that’s not what friendship is about. I miss the better parts of friendship. I miss her warm happy hugs and her smile. I miss her stupid faces and her laugh. I miss skipping around like we own the place, eating ice cream and watching movies. I miss the stupid volumes of food we buy, knowing that we’re safe to do what we want and be who we want to be. I miss that feeling of acceptance, no matter how bad the choices are that I make. I miss long drives with the windows down, baking cookies and late night card games. It’s simple. I miss her presence, her company, and the fun. I have fun with other people, but nothing will ever be like the memories I share with her. She’s just so DAMN AWESOME.

I’m heading back to university and I have exams ahead and I miss that fun. I miss her for who she truly is, and I miss our friendship for what friendship should always be about. Love, care, laughter and cookies.

Yes, we must travel on. We must remember those times and look forward to the future, but I shouldn’t loose focus. The next few weeks will be yet again, the most important of my life so far. I just pray that when it’s all over and when we’re both free, she’ll find a day for me. She’ll find a day for ice cream, a bike ride, perhaps a movie and a sleepover. I want to be kids again, and whilst I love and adore being an adult, I want to make the memories that we should have been able to make when we were children.

We simply met too late. But friendship is about being yourself. And I want to climb up the grass verge and roll all the way back down again. I want to test my handicraft idea for summer camp with her. I want to lie on the grass and watch the clouds. I want to sit on the beach and watch the sunset. I want to have fun. All I need to do is take it a day at a time, survive these exams. And so do you. Soon, it’ll be June, and I hope you can spare me the same day or two that I plan to spare for you. We don’t need to grow up just yet.