Ache

Hey, you! Best friend! I love you, stupid!

Don’t forget that okay?! You mean lots to me and I miss you every single day. Last year, I used to get upset. I was afraid, I guess, that something would happen and you wouldn’t be there any more. Of course, that wasn’t true. You’re always here to stand beside me and to giggle with the morning after a night out (yep, that’s got to be the best bit!).

This year has been different. I’ve been a lot more confident, in everything. I think that a lot of that has stemmed from the confidence in our friendship. I know you’re here, and that’s it. I know that when I see you again nothing will change, we will laugh, I will cry, we will worry, we’ll dance, and everyone will ask if we are a couple (lols, just no!). When I said goodbye to you this weekend, I knew it probably wouldn’t be six months until I saw you again. Of course I was sad, but not sad enough to hurt me. We hugged, we promised to Skype, and I skipped off.

Now though, I’m absolutely aching for you. I feel as though I miss you with every bone in my body, and that’s something that I haven’t felt so far in second year. It’s a little like last year, but there’s something that I can’t quite pinpoint that isn’t the same. I’m not hurting. I know you’ll be back, and I know when I inebetably need you on results day you’ll be there (hell, my next step is to call you ‘just for a chat’ – I’d love to be spontaneously confident enough to do that, and I’d love it even more the day you called me out of nowhere!). It’s not helping though, it’s not making the aching feeling in my chest go away. It’s like I’ve realised all over again exactly how much you mean to me and I just want to share that with you. I don’t want you to be hundreds of miles away, because I’m coming down from our amazing weekend and reality and a lack of laughter is slowly hitting me, and it’s hitting me hard! I’m not hurting, and I’m definitely not afraid. I’m simply aching.

Perhaps I’m finally learning the true definition of ‘I miss you’. What do you think?

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Rock Bottom

I’ve hit rock bottom. It’s strange, and it’s scary, and it’s a place that I’ve not been for months and months. I don’t like it, I don’t like it one bit.

I’ve been confident and happy since I came back to university. I’ve tried and I’ve worked and started every day with a positive attitude, and it has gone superbly. I cannot believe the change within myself, and I love being so happy and carefree. It’s been beautiful.

Last week, I started exams. Exams have always been a rocky subject for me. They’ve always been the thing that has ground me down and broken me into tiny pieces, crushed me so that I am no longer able to think straight, reason straight, or even eat straight. Balls of stress build in my stomach and take over me, and every second of every day is ten times harder when fighting back tears and forcing myself to eat when I feel the constant queasy sensation of nerves for weeks and weeks upon end. Spending time with other people is simply not an option, and I find myself slipping into a dark abyss, screaming and struggling for someone to rescue me.

But not this time. I’ve done very well so far. The positivity has reigned, and I’ve made it through with hunger pangs, heathly snacks, regular meals, lots of sleep, evenings with my flat mates and revision. I took my first two exams, the second of which I was extremely confident for. I’ve never gone into an exam feeling confident, or gone into an exam with no nerves at all. I was surprised, so surprised. I was struggling with tiredness before I got there, but I was confident and a day in bed didn’t seem to matter, like it would have ripped me into guilt before. It was weird.

The exam didn’t go so well, and I left in tears, my confidence crushed. That was Thursday, and I’ve still got the hardest two exams ahead of me. I feel defeated, and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve tried to carry on, but eating is getting harder, and whilst I enjoy time with my flat mates, the pit of nervous guilt I feel later has been haunting me. I’m not sleeping well, at all, and slowly but surely the familiar ache of the exam season has returned.

This evening, I hit rock bottom. I feel like I’ve fallen to the bottom of the pit. I can’t see a way out, and I know that if I took the two exams I have this week right now, I’d fail them. That’s not just the pessimist in me, that’s the whole and honest truth. And I’m terrified, because academically, I’ve never failed. My academics have been something I’ve been able to rely on, results, whilst terrifying, a strange familiarity in my often crazy life.

Now, I’m not so sure, and for the last few hours at least, I’ve not been coping. I’m not sure how to change that, and I know I won’t wake up tomorrow being the confident one again. The pit is back, the fear is back, the guilt is back, and I have no motivation. I can’t make myself work, because it’s then that I remind myself of just how little I know. I’m very very afraid, and I wish there was someone who could help me.

I’ve realised that I’m very alone. In my waves of confidence, I’ve forgotten how to speak out to those who mean the most to me. I need to talk to my best friend, and I thought I had tried but I’m not sure that I have. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough, maybe she too was fooled by my recent waves of confidence and thinks this is just a wobble. Maybe she’s just busy.

I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel about this. Life isn’t as easy when your confidence is gone, and I don’t like being rock bottom.

Five days and two exams to go.

Help me, I’m terrified.

Up, Up and Away

To me, flying is a bit like goodbyes. They both make me feel the same kind of way, and I guess that’s a little bit strange.

But today, I said goodbye, and I flew.

I may have been flying home, but I was flying away from safety. That’s rather scary, too. I was flying away from my one source of trust, hope, and love. I was flying away from friendship, and flying back to my home, soon to embark on my second year of university. I was afraid, and I was upset. I miss my best friend always, and I was terrified that  the return of education may cause anxiety may overtake my life like it has done so many times before.

But that was nearly four months ago now, the day that I flew and said goodbye. That was the day that I left my best friend, and a mere few days later I started university again. Compared to last year, this semester has been more than okay, and it appears that the worry in first year was for nothing. Hell, I’ve had ups and downs. Don’t we all? But I made it, I’m alive, and another semester has been survived.

I saw that friend again today, and once more, I said goodbye. It’s strange, how each goodbye pangs in your heart a little less than the one before. I guess that with each goodbye, a hello soon follows, and I’m learning that she’s not going to abandon me. I’m okay and we’re strong and we are well and truly in this together.

Yes, I’m worried about going back to university to take my exams, but I know it will not be impossible. I’ll manage. It’s strange, but this time, I’m feeling a tiny spark of confidence deep within me that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay. People love me, people care about me, and while I have high expectations of myself and even bigger dreams, I’ll work my hardest and the exams will pass and we’ll move on. A percentage isn’t all that I’m made of.

Perhaps I haven’t worked as hard as I should have this Christmas. Perhaps I will panic and fret and get worked up and stressed, but for now I must enjoy my last night at home.

I don’t feel well and I cannot concentrate on the cardiovascular system tonight. I feel sick. I’ll do some more tomorrow, before I take my train.

Goodbye home, goodbye safety, goodbye comfort, goodbye best friend. I’ll miss you, but I hope to see you super duper soon! Stand by me, please?

I’m wishing for hopes and dreams, I’m wishing for concentration, I’m wishing for early morning text messages and silly letters in the post. I’m wishing to smile during exam season, the season that is the hardest for me.

I’m wishing that somehow I’ll get through this with more drive than I usually do, to stay happy and to not let the exams drag me down.

Goodbyes are hard. I’ll miss you.

Resolutions

It has been three months since I last wrote on this blog, and I feel like perhaps, with 2016 upon us, it is in need of a little bit of love. I have forgotten to write, banished it from my life in the hope that I would be free from the memories that this blog carries with it. I wanted this year at university to be different. And it has been, and I love it, but we can’t just forget the past, and I mustn’t forget how important this blog has been to be in times of need. As exam season approaches again, I need to find the time to blog, and to be who I am on my own, not when I am surrounded by the madness of everyday life.

A lot has changed in the last few months, and this year, I know I have achieved some of the goals on my bucket list. I’m proud of how far I’ve come this year, and I’m proud of my friends and family, too. Each and every one of them.

Today however, is the start of a new year. I guess the norm would be to set resolutions. But do I really have any? I have things I’d like to achieve this year: get my Rainbow sleepover licence, pass all my exams, have a fabulous start to my placement, just to name a few. Resolutions, though? Changes? I don’t think so. Is change really all that important? Of course, because change happens around us all the time, but equally I don’t feel like change is something that I can actively control, and I am beginning to accept that. I could make a resolution to be happier, but whilst there’s things I can do to encourage that, there’s far too many factors outside of my control.

Instead, I plan to wipe a few more things off my bucket list, try my hardest in everything that I do, and make the most of every second that I have, especially with those who mean the most to me. A new year shouldn’t be about forced changes. I don’t want to be one of those ‘new year fitness’ type people, and I won’t be.

Because as I told someone very late last night, I’m not cool. I don’t want to be cool, and I don’t care about being cool. I don’t need to be just another human clone, fitting into society as society has forced us to feel as we should.

I am me, and I’ll always be me. Nothing can change that.